| x-posted? posted a few times, im not down with LiveJournal lingo |
[Mar. 4th, 2008|10:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chunky | ] |
I just spent the last few weeks doing
training in Detroit for a job I no longer
even work for... I quit a few weeks before the
training and they decided I would still go and perhaps
come back to the company...
Im not heh
This trip made me so much worse,
and I completely hate the company now
for sending me, and now they probably
think I am semi-very crazy,
the girl I went with now suspects so much
shes the kind of gal that farts rainbows
and finds the happy ending in every situation.
Shes not fat.. but shes curvy, very curvy.
She has big boobs which I would liek to have,
and huge ass and hips big trucker thighs, and a cute face
it works for her, shes engaged and so and
but when she went into the hot tub
(i didnt join her because i couldnt bring my
118 lb 5'4 frame to wear a bathing suit
around her 5'2 145-150 lb frame..very intresting)
anywho, I saw her with her shirt off and thought she
had a flat in shape tummy, i mean she works out
3-4 times a weeks for her wedding and such,
but jesus christ, she finds a way to layer
so much it all gets sucked into her body and
stays there, i think i gasped when i turned
and saw that large piece of dough
Its mean to say but I DO NOT LIKE FAT PEOPLE
I dont and I am uncomfortable around them.
Its mean or whatever but I was 174 once, and
never want to be like or see people like that again.
its sickening and I just dont like it.
SO me thinking shes a curvy girl with thr right
curves nothing too bad fat wise but it was all fat
and cellulite (spelled wrong) and just fat and rolls
and gross. I refused to get in the pool or
hot tube. I went and worked off the salad with
no dressing I had at the pizza party the training team threw for
us in our honor. I went at 1123 to start working out
and didnt realize til i got back to my room it was 247am..
(the hotel had a 24 hour gym and sauna.)
cut to the next day..
my coworker harassed me all day
Julia- "your becoming a bobble head...eat a cheeseburger...im going to feed you and entire loaf of bread mmm carbs...a man doesnt want a stick he wants something to hold onto..."
which that last comment, if i was doing this for a man i would listen to my boyfriend who i love and loves me who askes me everyday to check into a clinic for help or atleast keep a record of what I eat and puke so we can make a plan for me to get better together..but
i do this for me,
because of me,
its all about me...
and appearence and food and selfcontrol
and control ingeneral over anything
and pushing myeslf to the limit
not "man i wish i could have fat rolls for a man to
hold while he attempts to find my vagina
hidden in my touching leg fat..."
mind you my legs do still touch im working on that
i have hostile feelins towards fat and those who are
fat if i havent mentioned that.
not to mention one of my trainers
was a whopping...wait for it..and
yes she announced it when julia was talking about
how much i dont eat...
456lbs!!! she made the comment her 456 lb body could probably
fit two of me in her stomach and then gave me a cheese bagel
to eat with a gallon of cream cheese, she said i needed itm ore then her
which i think yes you dont need to eat that she could have room
to not eat for 3 years and then start working out to get to normal weight
but i hate being tormented about not eating or working out or
feeling uncompfortable being in suit around those skinnier or fatter
or the same as me.
its obvious i have some selfconciousness about that
to my coworkers and on this trip the first night julia did
ask me on the plane why i am so worried about my looks
at all times,, and i said i just like to present myself the
right way..and she took that and just made fun of it
for the rest of the trip!
one of the trainers was a psychologist and pulled me
aside at the pizza party and said
he had noticed during the training days i wouldnt eat
bfast lunch or break like everyone else
(the training went from 7am to 630 pm)
then he said he noticed i odnt sit for very long
and at a pizza party i eat salad..with no dressing cheese crutons etc..
he said he has some concern with my size
and although im not asking for help he
let me know hes here not just for training
if i need it.
it was very sweet i liked dr john the very very very most.
however 118 on a 5'4 frame really isnt that small.
i htink julia may have mentioned something
and thats when he began his observations
after he pulled me aside he had his wife make me a sunday
(the party was held at his house)
she was the sweetest woman ever and shes a diabetic
she made me an all sugar free sunday
and assured me she eats them all the time,
and only because they are so low in calories because
of the sugar free.. i know they are still have higher calories then
she assures but it was sweet of them both and his wife
and i sat in their tea room eating them. i
pushed mine around alot eating some but making most of it slushy and
melted to give the appearence i are more then i did.
i felt okay with connie, the dcs wife, shes a msall sweet crafty
housewife with a gentleness and compfort and knows the right hitngs to say
i wihs i could live with them.
they were wonderful.
everyone else on the trip sucked ass.
and now my luggage is lost..and my scale is in
my suitcase..
so im off to purchase a second one for just incase situations
like this until i get mine back
**side note, does anyone get real bad stomach cramps/gasey pangs
when either not eating after a while or just after purging
its not i just want to if its just me or others .
:) thanks |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2007|01:15 pm] |
Wow i havent written in forever.
well lets see.
full time at work.
summer break.
im dating one of the most wonderful man alive.
and things are great/
except i dont really want to write that part down
cause evertime i write about something good,
it turns to shit.
oh well.
thats all for now
oh i want a vw bug or mini cooper.
and my own motorcycle, dont
get me wrong riding on the back of james' is
so much fun
but i want my own. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|02:33 pm] |
maybe people should just make up their minds.
you cant have your cake and eat it to.
or something like that. |
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| I didnt write this, but I like it |
[Mar. 22nd, 2007|03:54 am] |
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As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken more than once and it's harder everytime. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2007|07:15 am] |
today:
no sleep.
paper.
class.
3 oclock?
work.
9 oclock.
blahahaha.
good thing i have a cell phone/
cause im never home.
ever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2007|11:57 pm] |
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i love little girls and boys who talk about how much they dont care about what others think, or they dont care what is "cool". fuck all of you. first off dont rant and rave about how you dont care what others think, and then proceed to add, "ive been doing that since i was 13" that is fucking messed up. if you dont care about what everyone else is doing why would you say, youve been doing it longer.? now seeing as most of you are all about 14 and are fucking disgusting, you can stop telling everyone how hardcore you think you may be; that your life seems to be so much better then everyone elses and blah-zeh-blah. fuck off, just because your a sloppy cunt whore doesnt mean your life is better and if you dont care what all the cool kids are doing, then why the fuck are you going around throwing around such labeled words.? lastly, please stop lying to yourselves about being intelligant. apparently none of you assholes can spell, anything. and if you havent made it out of the junior high yet, clearly your IQ couldnt be as sophisticated as you seem to think. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|12:27 am] |
EasyLuckyFree3: i wish everything was open 24 hours
EasyLuckyFree3: because i want to go shopping
EasyLuckyFree3: then exercise
EasyLuckyFree3: then fall asleep in a sauna
TryMeVe: what? lets start a business a 24 hour everything imagenable business
EasyLuckyFree3: that would cost alot
EasyLuckyFree3: and we would have to build it near a college
TryMeVe: and sell beer to minors
EasyLuckyFree3: yep
TryMeVe: ah the sweet thought of the sweet smell of hung over 12 year olds, our life is going to be so cool
EasyLuckyFree3: then we'll be locked up for rape
TryMeVe: what? heh im not putting out imjust giving them alchy
TryMeVe: unless they ask really nicely
EasyLuckyFree3: right
EasyLuckyFree3: haha
TryMeVe: then ill give em a little some some
we are fun |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|02:08 pm] |
I am not getting better.
I have always been crazy.
Ive always known I was crazy.
When I was little.
Every child knows that there is something different
something "special" about them.
A last colorful stitch that noone else has.
For some kids, they think that they are destined
to be great, and do great things.
Some know they are meant to change the world,
and some know they are meant to live a normall happy life.
Not me.
Im the puzzle, with one piece that doesnt fit,
and you cant figure out why.
Im a sunflower in a feild of roses.
Im an going condratiction.
I can feel it getting worse.
no matter where I go, I can feel it closing in.
Ive cleaned my room, and moved the furtnature around
more times in one week, then I think Ive ever done in a year.
But I still cant breathe.
I cant seem to stop this feeling of suffication.
No matter how much space I have, I cant seem to get away from anything.
I dont have much to do these days,
which I thought would help.
But it hasnt.
I can feel the build up,
it choking me.
Its not just me,
Its not fair.
But Im used to me by now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2006|01:33 am] |
its all my fault.
everyone feeling better now? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|08:16 pm] |
todays my sisters birthday.
to my family its her day.
they made me cry on my birthday.
and they dont understand whats wrong with that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2006|05:03 pm] |
good couple of days.
shitty couple of days.
split secret life.
half what i want, and have to cut out, i have no choice.
and half I can figure out if it is what i want.
so much fighting. and awkward situations.
uneasy words and selffish situations.
i dont know
im goin dress shopping today with my merm
i cant wait to get a dress for Michaels moms wedding. |
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| Is Your Foot On My Baby?! |
[Dec. 1st, 2006|08:18 am] |
I MISS MY LADIES!
and i dont even like vagina.
crazyness lately.
my mood swings are getting progressively worse.
but thats only because ive had A LOT to take in.
in such a short time.
kinda like shell shock.
and i was at danielles the other night with Michael, Shawn her and Dev-dog.
and without realizing it,
i had my foot resting on handsome devon
and the only thing that danielle said was
"is your foot on my baby?"
hah im not sure if it was dane cook that
had me in such a trance or just me being me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|03:01 am] |
when i learn how to survive alone, then i can let you in.
It always takes a crazy night,(that I only know exsisted from the tales of others)
to see maybe its time to stop.
a revalation happens for a quick
second and things clear up.
ill get there. |
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| This night's been so long |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|04:02 am] |
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
The best I can do is just get through the day
When the life before is only a memory
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|03:19 am] |
This summer:
Have you spent the night with someone?
yes sir
Have you drank until your stomach hurt?
maybe
Have you laughed until you almost peed your pants?
almost!?
Have you gone on vacation?
no
Have you tanned?
not really
Did you go to a camp?
i wish
Did you swim?
i dont do water
Did you go to the movies?
yeppers.
Have you went shopping?
okay dumb question, of course i did
Have you gotten freakishly bored?
im doing this arnt i
Did you get sunburnt?
wasnt in the sun long enough.
Did you change something about your apperance?
my hair. always changing the makeup. saturday i get a tattoo
Did you go on a road trip
tp startbucks.
Did you have a boyfriend of girlfriend?
i have a few of both.
Have you kissed someone?
i dont kiss them, they kiss me. im a god damn lady!
Did you attend a concert?
yea
Have you been introuble with the cops or your parents?
tickets, suspended license, a set curfew one month before i turned 18. yeah i know makes no sense..
Did you have a horrible moment?
yes..
Have you lied to your parents?
not really, i just didnt tell them the whole story.
Did you sneak out?
mhm.
Did you make any new friends?
a few.
Did you miss a friend?
:(
Have you gone on a vacation with no parents?
didnt go on va-kay
Did you sleep under the stars?
does passing out count?.
Have you thought about school?
more like stressed. i just want to paint people and put wholes in their face.
Have you been to the beach?
I LOVE THE BEACCCCCh
Did you eat fast food?
crunch wrap supreme bitches.
Did you talk about the government or war?
i argued more then talked.
Did you steal from a store?
a ring. it got stuck on my finger, and erins, so they had to be taken with us.
Did you go out to a restaurant with friends?
yes ma'am. i dont know if the survey is considered a man, or woman.?
Did you talk on the phone for over an hour?
yea.
Did you wake up before ten?
im a morning person, but lately ive been waking up at like 11ish..
Were you reunited with an old friend?
yea :(
Did you lose anyone close to you??
:'( okay so i dont like this survey anymo'
Did you think about someone special?
kalsejrkah
Did you hope they thought about you too?
i did, but i dont like "hope" its always false and in the end you feel like shit.
Can you look at summer without any regrets?
i dont regret things, its pointless.
Single or Taken: single
Happy about that: it used to make me happy, going in and out of new relationships, not forming any real kinda bond, having freedom to see who i want, do who i want, but now its just lonely and sucky. I have committment problems. Im working on that.
Eye color: hazel,
shoe size: 6 - 7
Height: 5'4 and one half.
What are you wearing right now?: superman panties, and a lepard tank. no bra!
Righty or lefty: righty, except if im writing with my feet, then i use el lefto
Can you make a dollar in change right now? i cant make like a five dollar, im crafty
FAVORITES
Kind of pants: the worn in kind
Animal: pandas, turtles, and lately penguins, but only cause they remind me of pandas.
Drink: wine. diet soda.
Month: september.
Juice: with vodka please.
Favorite cartoon: as told by ginger, fairly odd parents, family guy, the new crazy ones that make no sense on saturday mornings. you know on like channel 7. with like slut witches, and slut fairies. no joke, wake up early and watch em.
HAVE YOU EVER...
Given anyone a bath: i let them give one to me,
Bungee Jumped?: i did the sky coaster
Made yourself throw-up?: ahem
Skinny dipped?: does the tub count?
Broken a bone: a fair few
Played truth or dare: oh yes.
Been on a plane: yep
Come close to dying: ..
Been in a hot tub: surprisingly yes.
Fallen asleep in school: best sleep a girl can ask for.
Run away: thought about it.
Broken someone's heart: maybe?
Cried when someone died: spacebar
Fell off your chair: yea, and down stairs, and out of cars, and into cars, and off beds, and just walking. im not very graceful.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: oh no, im a lady! we dont wait.
Saved AIM conversations: yea, i know im gay.
Made out with JUST a friend?: oh yea.
Used someone: not intentionaly,
Been cheated on: not really, it wasnt exclusive
WHAT IS...
Beside you: ice coffee, a budda statue(its jade) a broken ballerina i need to glue, a mouse(you know im at a computer.)
Last thing you ate: donut at tim hortons
EVER HAD...
Chicken pox: 4 times. not kidding.
Sore Throat: yep.
Stitches: and one time a staple. again not kiddint
Broken nose: my big toe.
Do You...
Believe in love at first sight: ill let you know
Long distance relationships: they actually might be best for me.
Like school: its not bad.
Question yourself: i dont know, do i? heh.
Who was the last person that called you?: erin
Who makes you smile the most?: my friends, chapstick, diet coke, french fries, music, a good joke, thighs, sprinkles, uh i could keep going, i love smiling, kinda.
Who knows you the best: Stacey.
Do you like filling these out: no. i just cant sleep.
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses: yes.
Do you get along with your family: depends on what you would consider get along, and who you would consider family.
Final Questions:
What did you do yesterday?: uh. slept, smoked, made coffee cuddled, slept.
What car/truck do you wish to have: Honda Accord <three.
Have a lava lamp: uhh i wish
How many remote controls are in your house?: i dont know, 80?
Are you double jointed?: parts of me is, and parts are just bendy from dance.
Scary or Funny Movies: yes please
Chocolate or Vanilla Ice creaM: 'nilla.
Rootbeer or Dr.Pepper: diet coke
Summer or winter: they are both good.
Silver or Gold: white gold
Diamond or pearl: YES PLEASE
Sprite or 7-up: if its diet, both
Coffee or tea: coffee
Phone or in person: person.
Today did you...
1. Talk to someone you liked: yea i did
2. Buy something: coffee, cigs, diet coke,
3. Get sick: ahem
8. Talked to an ex: no.
9. Miss someone: more then they know or realize.
Last person who....
10. Slept in your bed? stitch
11. Saw/heard you cry: i dont cry..
12. Made you cry: fag
13. Went to the movies with: same fucking douche.
15. Said "I Love You" to: erin? jerrika? i dont know, but it had a vagina
16. Ever been in a fight with your pet?: nope, we coddle
18. Been to Mexico: I wish
20. Been to Europe: one day
Random.....
22. what book are you reading now: i need a new one, nothing right now
24. Future KIDS names: Maxie padd? meheheheh
25. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: there are pandas and turtles on my bed.
26. What's under your bed: boxes, art portfolio, monsters, a hobo, russian male order bride.
27. Favorite sports to watch: hockey,
28. Favorite Locations: many.
29. tattoos or piercings: monroe, lip, nose, old septum, old button, old tregus, and ears, saturday=tattoo
30. Most scared of right now?: bugs, dying alone, the apacpolyps sp?, water, avacadoes, clowns, callouses, clef palots.
31. Who/What do you really hate?: i hate alot
32. Do you have a job?: i think i have two, iga, dorschel, actually three, house wife in training
33.Have you ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with. most likely
36. Are you lonely right now?: yea, its all catching up with me
38. Song that's stuck in your head right now?: do they have radios in heaven, i hope they doooooooo
39. Have you ever played strip poker: yah-huh
40. Have you ever gotten beat up?: no.
42. Have you ever been on radio/TV: yep
43. Have you ever been in a mosh-pit: haha, yea.
44. Ever liked someone, but thought they never noticed: yeas.
Random...
What are the first things you notice about the opposite sex?: depends, most likely thighs, or eyes, lips, hair i dont know. its not really what i first see, but what i grow to like.
Your Favorite Food?: french fries, toast, sprinkles, diet coke.
Ever get so drunk you don't remember?: i have my moments.
Are you too shy to ask someone out?: im not shy, im just a lady
Hugs or Kisses?: both.
Dogs or cats?: cats.
Favorite Flower?: anything not tacky. i like sunflowers alot.
Have you ever fired a gun?: yes sir
How many pillows do you sleep with?: 4
Who are you missing right now: :( fucking people.
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|04:51 pm] |
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My 18th birthday is Saturday.
Im getting some wine, with help from Dave and Emmalie.
But Im not as excited as I should be.
I get my tattoo and I get to drink.
But Im worried that one person that I want to see on my birthday,
wont see me.
anyways, i think i got that job at dorschel.
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|01:50 am] |
what do you do when the one person you trust turns their back on you,
ill tell you when it stops hurting. |
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| I can still smell you. |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|12:16 pm] |
Ive come to the conclusion, that I have to change some things about myself.
I have to learn to try to trust, maybe.
At least give people the benifit of the doubt until they screw up.
I also have to learn to committ.
And I have to learn how to have feelings.
I kinda like not having very many feelings though.
Being numb to everything does have its purks.
But Its not always fun.
I have to learn to deal with people.
I have to learn to give second and maybe even third chances.
Some people might deserve.
I doubt Ill ever change.
Cause I dont care.
Thats something else I should learn-how to care. |
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